I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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