You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My balls are so social today.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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