Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
