Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
