so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
