I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
