The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
