from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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