I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
