weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
