Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
