1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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