Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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