Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
