so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
