yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
