I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
