my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
