if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
