so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
