brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
