I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Pants are for mortals
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
