maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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