You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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