mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
FUCK WHALES
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
