Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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