Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
