Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
