what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
