I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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