and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
