I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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