I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
