Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
