so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
