Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
