Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
