I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
