U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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