dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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