He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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