Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
