Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
