you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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