Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
