I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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