Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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