Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My pussy is not your playground.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
