Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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