Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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