And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's never too late to be topless.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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