Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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