Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
