2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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